Tuesday, 22 February 2011


Photo courtesy of the BBC

Today I learned something new about my Cocker Spaniel, Lily. She is scared of badgers.

What I learned about myself is this: I’m a dumb-ass who’d be lucky to be half as intelligent as my dog, because she knows that badgers are vicious little devils who have no concept of the word friend.

I also learned:
1) Don’t offer a badger a mint. They prefer fingers.
2) Don’t attempt to reason with a badger. They consider every word a personal insult demanding immediate satisfaction.
3) Over less than twenty yards and a five foot wall, put your money on me, not Lily or a badger.

What’s a badger doing up and about in the middle of the day anyway? Aren’t they nocturnal or something? Don’t they prefer slippy-smooth worms to large hairy humans? Perhaps it couldn’t sleep. That would explain the bad temper.

Lily’s due another walk and doesn’t look too keen. If I’m not back in two hours call in the Dachshunds.


  1. A friend of mine just wrote a scene with a badger. I know I'd run away.

  2. i watched the westminster dog show for five minutes the other day--which means i'm now an expert on all things canine--and so i know all about their ability to flush out burrow-dwellers, but it seems a little anticlimactic, no, to, "call in the dachshunds"?

    call in the guards! sure.

    release the hounds! yes, it's almost the same thing, i know, but it SOUNDS more menacing, somehow.

    anything but "call in the dachshunds" . . .

    still, i have them on speed dial for you. just holler.

  3. Lana: This may not seem menacing to your gentle ears. But in setts up and down the country, badgers refer only to, Those who cannot be named, so complete is their fear of this genetically engineered badger-bowwow.
    You see, Dachs is German for badger. (Cue dramatic music.)

  4. Badgers are nasty animals. Sort of like an enraged DMV employee on Meth. Unpredicitble yet somehow dangerously fascinating.

    Trust in the dog. It's your only hope.

  5. Lily is pretty smart. Dogs trust their senses and experience. My brother referred to something I did once as '...the triumph of hope over experience'. Nuff said?