Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Wasp figures and hot bras

Borrowed from www.monster-munch.com
With the lawn growing higher than the dog, I decided to get a bigger dog. Then she gave me one of those looks, so I relented and mowed the damn grass.

Half way through this mow-fest I’d turned into Sweaty Tomato Man. The sun and unaccustomed exercise had conspired to make my skin glow like a tramp’s brazier(*), and the mower’s electric chord - which I swear is alive - was driving me to use language unheard since my days as a merchant seaman.

Cue the attractive female neighbour bearing gifts.

Turns out she’d spotted me and my mower going through our Ultimate Fighting routine and decided to reward me for an earlier act of kindness - I’d used my male cunning and engineering prowess to figure out the exact hole in her car down which to pour the windscreen washer fluid.

I accepted her lemonade and chocolate chip cookies and we sat and sipped and chewed and chatted awhile.

The conversation turned to bumble bees and, as we talked, a wasp landed on my bare leg. “Not to worry,” I said. “It will only sting me if I make a sudden move.”

You guessed it. The little shit stung me.

I hate Mondays.


* - a tramp, for our American chums, is a bum or vagrant. Brazier is a container for fire, usually an oil drum sporting strategically hammered holes, and not a misspelling of tramp’s brassier - an altogether different kind of fire hazard.

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  1. Thank God for the explanation. Here I thought you had some spelling issues and were, perhaps, glowing like a prostitute's bra. :-)

    Clever man.


  2. People still bring each other lemonade and cookies? I want to live there.

  3. Being an American, thanks for the explanation on the Tramp's Brazier. That being said, can you now explain why it's called a "wind screen", since it's not a screen at all but actually made of glass? What do you call your screen doors?

  4. It's called a windscreen because it screens you from the wind.
    As for screen doors - I don't recall ever seeing screen doors in the UK - though, I must confess, I haven't seen every door in the UK.
    We also have TV screens here which are, quite usefully in my view, made of transparent glass.
    I think the word screen refers to its function rather than what it's made from.
    Hope this helps.